JOPLIN, Mo. —
The next person in our house who buys a bag of chocolate chips will be taken outside and shot.
I have spoken.
One reason they will be taken outside and shot is because shooting someone indoors would be messy. I’m thinking that’s why most hunting takes place outdoors.
The other reason is because we don’t need more chocolate chips. I just finished cleaning out our kitchen pantry and one of the things I discovered is that we have roughly 12,987 bags of chocolate chips.
That’s a lot.
I was off work last week. Like a lot of swinging, hip guys, when I take a week off from work I go crazy.
On Monday, I did a bunch of laundry. I don’t know how things are at your house, but in ours laundry comes in bunches. On Tuesday, I drove into Joplin to run some errands, and when I got back I did a whole bunch of our daughter Emma’s laundry. Again, I don’t know how things are at your house, but at ours a 14-year-old girl’s laundry comes in bunches.
On Wednesday, my wife and I drove to Kansas City so my wife could shop and I could complain. On Thursday I cleaned part of our basement. The reason I only cleaned part of our basement is because the other part of our basement scares me. On Friday I cleaned out our kitchen pantry and our refrigerator.
That, my friends, is the way I roll.
I would tell you about cleaning out our refrigerator, but memories of that experience will haunt me for years.
I decided to clean out our kitchen pantry because lately we haven’t been able to see the floor there. Granted, when you’ve seen one pantry floor, you’ve seen them all, but still, when you open a door to any sort of room you probably should be able to see the floor.
One reason we couldn’t see the floor is because this is the holiday season, which is the height of baking season. During the holiday season my wife and Emma will be quietly sitting on the couch watching some “Desperate Housewives” show when, without warning, they will get up, walk into our kitchen and start baking. I call it volunteer baking.
Because of this, whenever they are in a store they feel compelled to purchase baking items.
If I’m home trying to watch a football game, my wife will call me from the large, 24-hour, retail store in our town to ask me if we need flour.
“No,” I will say.
“Sugar?”
“No.”
“Chocolate chips?”
“NO!”
An hour later, my wife will return from the store with flour, sugar and chocolate chips.
“What are you going to do with all of that?” I will say. My wife will tell me to be quiet and then she will put everything in our kitchen pantry.
The next day my wife will be at the store and she will call me again.
“Do we need flour?” my wife will ask.
I hang up on her.
During Thanksgiving this year we officially lost control of our kitchen pantry. It didn’t happen overnight, of course. It was a slow process, much like the Ice Age, only with fewer woolly mammoths.
My wife will come back from the store and put 15 baking items in the pantry and quickly close the door. The next day she will come home and put 20 baking items in the kitchen pantry and quickly close the door. But this time one of the baking items will fall on the floor. The next day she will come home and put 50 baking items in the kitchen pantry and quickly close the door, and 10 baking items will fall on the floor.
Before long we can’t see the floor.
It took me a couple of hours to clean out the kitchen pantry Friday. When I was finished, my wife called to tell me she was on her way home.
“Do we need flour?” she asked.
Do you have an idea for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.
Local News
Mike Pound: Baking products take over house
- Local News
-
-
Farmers Insurance teams up with Rebuild Joplin
Farmers Insurance announced Tuesday that the company will team up with Rebuild Joplin for an initiative to help the community complete its recovery efforts. The company already has placed one of its executives in Joplin, and it is pledging additional funds and volunteer hours by company workers to go toward the city’s recovery.
-
Farm Service Agency announces deadline
Patty Lambert, executive director of Jasper County USDA Farm Service Agency, said producers are required to report prevented planting acreage for FSA program eligibility.
-
Former IRS worker gets probation after guilty plea to theft of funds
Pittsburg resident and former Internal Revenue Service employee Becky L. Book received two years probation after pleading guilty earlier this year to the theft of $26,449.65 in public funds.
-
Joplin residents can sign Banner of Hope for Moore during anniversary event today
Joplin residents will be able to sign a 20-foot banner sending messages of hope and encouragement to the people of Moore, Okla., during the anniversary ceremony today in Cunningham Park.
-
Mike Pound: Husband helps pull off surprise for Carl Junction teacher
Keri Keckley said the key to pulling off the Sunday surprise was the deceptive minister.
Boy, if that isn’t a great opening line for a crime novel, I don’t know what is. But in this case, the line doesn’t belong in a crime novel. It belongs in this column. -
Arma mother facing murder charge in sleeping baby’s death
Heather Buckalew fell asleep on a couch with her 4-month-old baby after a night last summer drinking beer with her boyfriend. The boyfriend, Donald Harvey, got up to go to work a few hours later and spotted his son, lying face down on a pillow between the back of the couch and his sleeping mother.
-
Joplin residents lend a hand in Moore
Joplin is paying it forward. The day before the two-year anniversary of an EF-5 tornado leveling one-third of Joplin, pastors from Ignite Church in Joplin were in Moore, where an EF-5 spent 40 minutes on the ground on Monday.
-
‘Letting Go Day’ planned to help clear the clutter
When Ann Leach lost most of her possessions in the tornado that struck Joplin on May 22, 2011, she realized that things don’t matter that much.
-
Monetary donations cited as best help for Moore
Financial support for organizations providing shelter and supplies to Oklahoma tornado survivors is recommended for people who want to help. Otherwise, the word is to wait for requests.
-
Joplin man continues struggle to recover two years after tornado
As the Joplin tornado passed overhead, sweeping the house at 2430 S. Pennsylvania Ave. away in its wake, there was a moment of calm. Delbert Mcguirk was on his back in the basement, where he had sought shelter along with his wife, daughter and two grandchildren. In that moment of relative quiet, he stared up into the eye of the tornado.
- More Local News Headlines
-
