By Mike Pound
Globe Staff Writer
JOPLIN, Mo. —
The next person in our house who buys a bag of chocolate chips will be taken outside and shot.
I have spoken.
One reason they will be taken outside and shot is because shooting someone indoors would be messy. I’m thinking that’s why most hunting takes place outdoors.
The other reason is because we don’t need more chocolate chips. I just finished cleaning out our kitchen pantry and one of the things I discovered is that we have roughly 12,987 bags of chocolate chips.
That’s a lot.
I was off work last week. Like a lot of swinging, hip guys, when I take a week off from work I go crazy.
On Monday, I did a bunch of laundry. I don’t know how things are at your house, but in ours laundry comes in bunches. On Tuesday, I drove into Joplin to run some errands, and when I got back I did a whole bunch of our daughter Emma’s laundry. Again, I don’t know how things are at your house, but at ours a 14-year-old girl’s laundry comes in bunches.
On Wednesday, my wife and I drove to Kansas City so my wife could shop and I could complain. On Thursday I cleaned part of our basement. The reason I only cleaned part of our basement is because the other part of our basement scares me. On Friday I cleaned out our kitchen pantry and our refrigerator.
That, my friends, is the way I roll.
I would tell you about cleaning out our refrigerator, but memories of that experience will haunt me for years.
I decided to clean out our kitchen pantry because lately we haven’t been able to see the floor there. Granted, when you’ve seen one pantry floor, you’ve seen them all, but still, when you open a door to any sort of room you probably should be able to see the floor.
One reason we couldn’t see the floor is because this is the holiday season, which is the height of baking season. During the holiday season my wife and Emma will be quietly sitting on the couch watching some “Desperate Housewives” show when, without warning, they will get up, walk into our kitchen and start baking. I call it volunteer baking.
Because of this, whenever they are in a store they feel compelled to purchase baking items.
If I’m home trying to watch a football game, my wife will call me from the large, 24-hour, retail store in our town to ask me if we need flour.
“No,” I will say.
An hour later, my wife will return from the store with flour, sugar and chocolate chips.
“What are you going to do with all of that?” I will say. My wife will tell me to be quiet and then she will put everything in our kitchen pantry.
The next day my wife will be at the store and she will call me again.
“Do we need flour?” my wife will ask.
I hang up on her.
During Thanksgiving this year we officially lost control of our kitchen pantry. It didn’t happen overnight, of course. It was a slow process, much like the Ice Age, only with fewer woolly mammoths.
My wife will come back from the store and put 15 baking items in the pantry and quickly close the door. The next day she will come home and put 20 baking items in the kitchen pantry and quickly close the door. But this time one of the baking items will fall on the floor. The next day she will come home and put 50 baking items in the kitchen pantry and quickly close the door, and 10 baking items will fall on the floor.
Before long we can’t see the floor.
It took me a couple of hours to clean out the kitchen pantry Friday. When I was finished, my wife called to tell me she was on her way home.
“Do we need flour?” she asked.
Do you have an idea for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.