The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

December 4, 2012

Mike Pound: Fiscal cliff reporting overdone

By Mike Pound
news@joplinglobe.com

— It’s time for that white-haired Cooper guy on CNN to break out the cliff gear.

Actually, it’s time for all media morons to break out their cliff hats, cliff jackets and cliff pants because from what I can tell we are very near the point when we might soon approach the very edge of the entrance to what might be the beginning of the very start of the final edge, which is right before we all tumble of the fiscal cliff.

I haven’t had a chance yet to drive out and take a look at the fiscal cliff myself, but I’ve heard it’s quite lovely and peaceful in a “OH MY GOSH, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!!!” kind of way.

According to what I’ve been able to gather from the media morons, on Dec. 31 we will all tumble off the fiscal cliff if the president and the Congress creatures can’t agree on a deal to both raise revenue and cut spending. When that happens we will all lose our jobs, our cars, our homes and — GASP — our cellphones. The reason we will lose all of that stuff is because a year or so ago when the president and the Congress creatures couldn’t agree on a previous plan to raise revenue and cut spending they agreed to come back later and try to agree on a new deal.

It’s sort of like the way I agree to not go down to our basement and clear out the cat boxes.

Except last year, when the president and the Congress creatures couldn’t agree on a plan to raise revenue and cut spending, they also created a committee that drew up a list of automatic budget cuts that would go into effect Dec. 31 if no agreement was reached. The good news about the automatic spending cuts is that we get to watch the media morons try to pronounce “sequestration.”

Also mixed in all of this somehow is something (or someone) called Simpson-Bowles, which sounds like something you can buy in Lebanon, Mo., or something that O.J. Simpson does on a Saturday night in prison.

OK, that last joke was a bit of a stretch, but, hey, you try to make sense of all this.

As you might imagine, the media morons love the whole “fiscal cliff” narrative. Sure they could talk about budget challenges and the tough decisions that this country is grappling with in a calm, intelligent, adult-like, responsible manner, but what’s the fun it that?

It’s more fun to throw on CNN-monogrammed windbreakers and run to the edge of the fiscal cliff for live, breathless reporting.

“Tonight on Anderson Cooper 360 we go behind the scenes to take you right to the edge of the fiscal cliff, which you can just barely see right there between the 398 satellite TV trucks.”

Of course, the CNN people will have a giant fan running just off camera so people will understand that it’s windy on the edge of the fiscal cliff.

Media morons love the fiscal cliff. The fiscal cliff is easy. The fiscal cliff gives media morons something to talk about so they don’t have to go out and gather facts and stuff. They also get to use cool gambling phrases like “high-stakes poker” and “holding his cards close to his vest.”

But mainly they get to say “fiscal cliff” over and over and over.

The other night I sat down in front of the TV, turned it to CNN and tried to play the drinking game “Hi Bob,” but instead of drinking whenever someone said “Hi Bob” I drank whenever someone said “fiscal cliff.”

I don’t remember anything after James Carville accused Wolf Blitzer of having “fiscal cliff phobia.”

I hope they all fall off the cliff.