The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Local News

January 1, 2013

Mike Pound: Congress like college, but with scotch instead of beer

Years from now, people all over the United States will look back and remember exactly where they were when they heard that an agreement — sort of — had been reached to prevent the nation from plunging off the fiscal cliff. That’s assuming that Congress didn’t screw things up, and even if it didn’t, there is still a possibility of another fiscal cliff in a few months.

As I type this, the Senate has approved an agreement to raise taxes on people who make a lot of money.

How much money?

If you have to ask, it won’t affect you.

In exchange, taxes on the rest of us will remain about the same, and I think there might be a few budget cuts.

I’m really not an expert on the fiscal cliff. The only thing I know is that the orange thing on Donald Trump’s head alone will pay $1,389,873 in additional taxes.

I think that’s fair.

As I just mentioned, I’m not much of an expert on the fiscal cliff. What I am an expert at is putting things off until the last minute and, even then, not getting everything done that I was supposed to get done. So I think I understand what our elected officials in Washington have done.

First of all, rather than reach an agreement in November that everyone knew they would reach, our elected officials decided to wait until New Year’s Eve and then reach an agreement that will have to be revisited in a few months. It’s like skipping a college class for an entire semester and then cramming all night in hopes of acing the final so you can pass a class in which you should have gotten an A in the first place.

So, what happens is you wind up getting a C, which leaves you behind in the next class, which builds on what you were supposed to learn in the first class. What that means, of course, is that you are so lost in the second class that you stop going to it and have to pin you hopes on cramming for the final again.

Sigh. I miss college.

“But Mike,” you say, “Washington, D.C., isn’t like college.”

To which I reply: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Washington, D.C., is just like college, except in Washington the “students” get paid to skip class.

Remember those guys in college who were fourth-year sophomores?

Well, in Washington, those guys are called incumbents.

Who would want to leave college if he didn’t have to? You get to sleep late, stay out until all hours of the night drinking beer and hanging out with friends, and have little, if any, real responsibility.

It’s the same with Congress, but in Congress you drink scotch instead of beer. Oh, and you get to ride in a chauffeured limousine.

From what I understand — and it’s possible that I don’t — one of the things that stalled an agreement on the fiscal cliff is that the Republicans think the Democrats are — to use a political term coined by the late, great Teddy Roosevelt — “doo-doo heads.”

And the Democrats — to quote Adlai Stevenson — think the Republicans “have cooties.”

Clearly, the lines have been drawn.

According to what I read, the guy who managed to save the country from falling off the fiscal cliff was Vice President Joe “Uncle Joe” Biden.

Apparently, Uncle Joe met behind closed doors with Republican Sen. Mitch “Mitch” McConnell and gave him “noogies” until Mitch agreed to a deal.

It’s pretty much how the Missouri Compromise of 1820 was worked out.

Now all that is left is for the House of Representatives to get together and vote on the agreement worked out by Uncle Joe and Mitch.

Gee, what could go wrong there?

See, in Washington, D.C., the Senate represents the snotty, rich fraternities, and the House … well, the house is known as the “Animal House of Representatives.”

What that means is either the Animal House of Representatives will approve the fiscal cliff deal or it will reject it. And you know what happens if it rejects it, don’t you?

That’s right: road trip.

DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA for Mike Pound’s column? Call him at 417-623-3480, ext. 7259, or email him at mpound@joplinglobe.com. Follow him on Twitter @mikepoundglobe.

1
Text Only
Local News
  • Pension funding improving, actuary reports

    An extra $1 million contribution by the city of Joplin last year to the Police and Firemen’s Pension Fund boosted the funding ratio of the plan by 2 percent, the plan’s actuary told the board Thursday morning.

    April 17, 2014

  • Special counsel to be appointed in ethics complaint against Neosho council members

    The Neosho Ethics Board on Wednesday voted to ask the City Council to appoint a special counsel to provide legal advice to the board’s remaining two members as they investigate a complaint against two members of the council.

    April 17, 2014

  • Mike Pound 2010.jpg Mike Pound: Will new Earth-like planet have better cable offerings?

    When I read that astronomers have discovered the most Earth-like planet yet, I had a couple of deep scientific questions. First: What’s the Wi-Fi like? And: Are their TV channels better than ours? Hey, I didn’t get an “Incomplete” in college astronomy for nothing.

    April 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Christian ministry plans Missouri camp expansion

    A nondenominational Christian ministry is planning a $21.5 million expansion on land it owns near Table Rock Lake in southwest Missouri, with a goal of offering gatherings beyond the traditional summer camps.

    April 17, 2014

  • 041714 School safe rooms4_72.jpg Joplin school district readies community safe rooms for storm season

    Thousands of Joplin residents will soon be able to stay safe during storms in some of the region’s newest shelters. Community safe rooms at Cecil Floyd, Stapleton, McKinley and Eastmorland elementary schools, which double as gymnasiums, and Junge Field, which will double as a field house, are expected to be open within the next few weeks, according to Mike Johnson, the school district’s director of construction.

    April 17, 2014 2 Photos

  • 041714 Treble Makers.jpg Carl Junction ‘Treble Makers’ to sing at Springfield Cardinals’ stadium

    Next month, 75 Carl Junction sixth-grade students will sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at Hammons Field before a Springfield Cardinals game. And with more than 600 parents, family members and other residents planning to attend, the May 3 event has been dubbed “Carl Junction Day.”

    April 17, 2014 1 Photo

  • Public hearing set on posed TIF district

    Financial details of a proposed new tax increment financing district for the Silver Creek Galleria area will be discussed in detail at an April 28 public hearing, members of the city’s TIF Commission were told Thursday. Chris Williams, a TIF attorney representing the city of Joplin, told the panel the Thursday meeting was intended to walk commissioners through the public hearing steps.

    April 17, 2014

  • Volunteer projects spark two bills in Jefferson City

     moving through the Missouri House and Senate were inspired by a volunteer project in Carl Junction last year that stalled over a question of whether those volunteers had to be paid prevailing wage under Missouri law. “This bill is very simple. All it says is if someone is a volunteer, they won’t be forced to be paid prevailing wage,” state Rep. Charlie Davis, R-Webb City, told lawmakers during a hearing on his bill last week.

    April 17, 2014

  • Chairman of Neosho Ethics Board resigns

    The chairman of the Neosho Ethics Board unexpectedly resigned on Thursday as the board investigates a complaint against Neosho City Council members David Ruth and Steve Hart.

    April 17, 2014

  • CWEP receives top honor from national power group

    The Carthage Water and Electric Plant has received the top award for reliable electrical service from the American Public Power Association.

    April 17, 2014

Must Read
Sports
Photos


Facebook
Poll

Would you use a community safe room when the area is under a tornado warning?

Yes.
No.
     View Results
Opinion
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter