By Mike Pound
news@joplinglobe.com
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In the end, it all came down to strategy.
I mean you don’t get to be No. 1 by lucking your way into wins. You have to study your opposition, you have to devise a game plan, you have to execute that game plan, and then, when you’re done, you have to fight the urge to throw up.
At that’s just what you have to do to win a congressional election. To win a rib-eating contest, you really have to plan.
According to an article by the Associated Press, Joey Chestnut won the “Best in The West Nugget Rib Cook-off” earlier this week. If you’re interested in seeing a replay of the contest, you can probably catch it on your local PBS station.
Ha! I’m just ribbing you.
By the way, why do news people (and although my editor, Carol Stark, would disagree, I consider myself a news person) feel compelled to make lame, obvious puns when writing certain stories?
Here’s how the AP began its story on the rib-eating contest : “Talk about pigging out.”
Oh please stop AP. My side is splitting.
I mean it. Next time you read, or see, a story about Tiger Woods I guarantee someone will write or say something like “ Tiger Wood is taking a mulligan on his first marriage.” A story about chickens will inevitably cause some one to speculate about “fowl play.”
But let’s get back to the meat of this column. Ha.
I have to admit that I had never heard of Joey Chestnut before I read the AP story. But now I know that Joey is America’s No. 1 professional eater. I guess the key word here is “professional” because I’m not sure anyone could have out-eaten my brother, Mark, on taco night at our house.
From what I gather, Joey is pretty much the Jim Thorpe of the professional eating world. In addition to being named the No.1 eater of ribs, Joey has also won steak, asparagus, hot-dog and hamburger championships.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “So why wouldn’t a guy named Chestnut enter a chestnut eating contest?”
You’re also probably thinking: “Really? Asparagus.”
I mean, as vegetables go, asparagus is OK, but I don’t think I would want to eat a mess of it in a short period of time. And that’s what it takes to be a top professional eater: The ability to eat a lot and to do it quickly.
Again, I point back to my brother, Mark.
The AP story says that Joey, who is from San Jose, Calif., ate eight pounds of ribs in 12 minutes. A guy named Pat Bertoletti from Chicago came in second place. Pat, who actually beat Joey in the rib contest last year, wolfed down 6.9 pounds of ribs.
Here’s how the AP detailed Joye’s winning strategy: “Chestnut slid the meat off each bone with his bare hands and ate it in a ball, while Bertoletti bit off the bone each time.”
OK, so it’s not exactly Bobby Fisher versus Boris Spassky, but it’s still pretty good.
The whole thing makes me wonder if there is trash-talking in eating contests.
“Yo, Bertoletti, didn’t your momma teach you how to eat ribs?”
“Oh yeah ,Chestnut? Your momma is so fat if she gets on an elevator it better be going down.”
But I don’t know, you hate to see a great sport like professional rib eating cheapened by a bunch of trash talking.
As impressive as Joey’s eating exploits have been, I’m still not impressed. I mean anyone can eat ribs, or hot dogs. In order for Joey, in my mind, to be a truly great professional eater, he must take on the ultimate eating challenge.
Liver and onions.
