HOLLYWOOD-God bless America, and how's everybody?

Kobe Bryant's accuser testified in Eagle County court Wednesday. She left the courtroom in tears after interrogators forced her to reveal her entire sexual past. Now you know why Condoleezza Rice won't talk to the September 11th Commission.

Martha Stewart wrote her judge Tuesday asking to avoid prison time. She lied to cover up a crime she didn't commit. You would think the Bush Administration would have a little more empathy for someone who was done in by intelligence failure.

The White House denied ever underestimating al-Qaeda threats Wednesday. This administration did what they could with what they had. Inadequate intelligence is a threat to the security of the United States but John Kerry would be even worse.

President Bush spoke at the Correspondents Dinner in Washington Wednesday. It is normally an evening for comedy but he gave a serious speech. That's because he fired his gag writers for doing too many jokes on Osama and not enough on Saddam.

Don Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and General Myers were photographed being sworn in together at the September 11th hearings Tuesday. All three had their right hands raised in the air. They looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger had just walked by.

Richard Clarke apologized to the September 11th Commission Wednesday for failing to protect the nation. He said he failed and the entire government failed. Everyone failed but under the No Child Left Behind act they all get promoted anyway.

Richard Clarke testified Wednesday his White House job was misunderstood. He said he was called the Terrorism Czar but he had less power than the Drug Czar. Those czars really knew how to live, they just didn't know how to live very long.

John Kerry said Wednesday he hasn't read Richard Clarke's book. He said he's waiting for someone to give him a copy. A guy once won the Nobel Prize for Physics by defining infinity as the amount of time it takes a U.S. Senator to pick up a check.

Hillary Clinton is trying to scare up ten million for John Kerry in ten days via e-mail. She's lost her touch. In the old days she would have put five grand on cattle futures and in ten days John Kerry would have had his ten million dollars.

Baghdad was filled with street protesters Wednesday angry over United States support of Israel. The locals are expert at getting on Western nerves. Disco is the most popular form of music in Iraq, so clearly we stopped the bombing too early.

Colorado Avalanche star Steve Moore left the hospital Tuesday. He suffered a broken neck in a violent attack during a game. He was telling a teammate the White House focused too much on Iraq before 9-11 when he was sucker punched from behind by Dick Cheney.

The Teamsters Union announced Wednesday they want to represent Major League umpires in future labor negotiations. This could cause problems. Every time an umpire calls a guy out, the player might be found the next morning in the East River.

The Lundberg Survey reports the price of gasoline hit a record high Thursday at gas stations nationwide. Gasoline is so expensive Elizabeth Taylor is naming her new perfume Unleaded Passion. Fortunately, Mike Ditka has a drug that fixes that.

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