HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?

Lawrence Taylor told CBS 60 Minutes Sunday that he drank and did cocaine and procured hookers throughout his NFL career. His goal was never the Hall of Fame. Lawrence Taylor will not rest until he's elected to the original cast of Saturday Night Live.

The Animal Defense League staged a protest against furriers in Beverly Hills Friday. The group isn't stupid. They choose to protest fur rather than leather because it is a lot safer to throw paint on elderly Jewish women than Hell's Angels.

The National Dog Show on NBC was a ratings smash Thanksgiving Day. Americans tuned in by the millions to watch the products of superior breeding trotting around in circles. President Bush won Best in Show for his trip to Baghdad and back.

The White House holiday decorations went up Monday on the South Lawn. It's not all that festive. At his Pentagon press conference, Don Rumsfeld identified the Three Wise Men as the queen of diamonds, the eight of hearts and the five of spades.

The Beverly Hilton was the site of a meeting Tuesday of movie executives and agents who want to defeat President Bush. Terms were simple. They offered Hillary Clinton $40 million plus her name above the country if she will just agree to run.

Al Sharpton is set to host NBC's Saturday Night Live this week. His positions now emphasize hard work and family and responsibility. You know the Democratic Party is in deep trouble when Al Sharpton is the candidate of the angry white males.

Dennis Kucinich said Sunday he's been flooded with responses to his Find a First Lady Contest. He will never be elected president, but all U.S. Congressmen have something that no woman can resist in this day and age. It's called health benefits.

Howard Dean said Monday he was prepared to go to Vietnam if his medical deferment was denied by his draft board. He had a rare lower back condition that kept him out of Vietnam but not off the ski slopes. It was diagnosed as money up the wazzooh.

President Bush agreed Monday to end his steel tariffs as ordered by the World Trade Organization. He decided to avoid a trade war. President Bush understands better than anyone that we just don't have the troops right now for one more mission.

President Bush signed an energy bill Monday that funds nuclear waste storage north of Las Vegas. That's the bad news. The good news is, Roy of Siegfried and Roy is responding miraculously to radiation treatment and he didn't even request it.

Michael Jackson remained holed up in a Las Vegas hotel Monday. He is rumored to be negotiating for a casino showroom to do a music and magic show. In case the topless sunbathing didn't persuade you to leave the kids at home, this should do it.

The Supreme Court agreed to decide when a woman can sue an employer for sexual harassment. This one's predictable. The Supreme Court will rule it's okay to compliment a woman on any part of her anatomy as long as you don't use the word God.

The Texas Supreme Court will rule if the Dallas Morning News libeled a judge who jailed a teenager for writing a Halloween essay in which a teacher was shot. The student's parents were stupefied. They had no idea the kid could read and write.

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