JOPLIN, Mo. —
I think the pressure is getting to my wife.
Not the pressure of being married to me. That pressure got to her a long time ago. From what my wife tells me, the pressure of being married to me got to her about five seconds after she said “I do.”
My wife says when she thinks back to the time, 19 years ago, when she said “I do,” the phrase “I WHAT?!” pops into her head.
My wife’s a riot.
No, the pressure that is getting to my wife is the pressure of making sure she is on top of our 12-year-old daughter’s summer schedule. During the school year, keeping up with Emma’s schedule is so simple that even I can handle the job. During the school year, one of us drives Emma to school in the morning and one of us picks her up at her grandmother’s in the evening.
But that changes in the summer. Sure, I suppose I could keep driving her to school in the morning and make her get out of the car, but society sort of frowns on parents who dump their kids out of their car.
During the summer, Emma is involved in a number of organized activities. Last week, the two most important activities Emma was involved in were the activity of volleyball camp and the activity of dance lessons.
In several cases Emma’s volleyball activities overlapped and conflicted with her dance activities. In addition, Emma had more than one dance activity scheduled on multiple days. The only way my wife was able to keep Emma’s activities straight was by writing them down on a giant calendar that she never seems to be able to find.
Me: What time does Emma have dance?
Wife: I’ll have to check the calendar.
Long Pause.
Me: Where’s the calendar?
Wife: I don’t know.
Me: I see.
Even though I didn’t see.
On Tuesday morning, I dropped Emma off at volleyball camp in Carthage. After I dropped Emma off, my wife called me from work.
“Good news,” my wife said. “I found the calendar. Emma doesn’t have dance today. All she has is volleyball.”
“Good,” is what I said.
Later that day, I called my wife to tell her that since Emma didn’t have dance, I would fix burgers on the grill for dinner.
“Fine,” my wife said.
On the way home from work I stopped at the large, 24-hour retail store in our town to pick up a few items to go with the burgers I was going to fix on the grill. While I was in the store, my cell phone rang. My wife was on the line.
“Emma has dance at 6 p.m. She won’t have time to eat at home so I bought her a burger to eat in the car.”
“But ... but ... but,” I tried to say. “You said she didn’t have dance tonight.”
“No, I didn’t,” my wife said.
Later my wife asked where I got the idea that Emma didn’t have dance
“Because you said she didn’t,” I said.
“No, I didn’t,” my wife said.
“Yes, you did. You called me and said, ‘Good news. Emma doesn’t have dance,’” I said.
“I said she didn’t have dance TODAY,” my wife said.
“Oh. I can see now where I got confused,” I said. “See, when you said Emma didn’t have dance today I just assumed you meant SHE DIDN’T HAVE DANCE!”
In rebuttal, my wife reminded me that 19 years ago she said “I do,” when she clearly meant to say “I WHAT?!”
“I see,” I said.
Even though I didn’t see.
Address correspondence to Mike Pound, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802, or via e-mail at mpound@joplinglobe.com.
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