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October 23, 2009

Mike Pound: Can't see the hall for the tree

I had been married for about five years before I found out what a baker’s rack was.

And I had been married for about seven years before I found out what a hall tree was. I found out what both a hall tree and a baker’s rack were when my wife insisted that we needed one of each.

I was single for a long time (No, really?), so I didn’t need to know what a hall tree or a baker’s rack were. Mainly, when I was single, I needed to know where I should keep my beer and cheese doodles. Answers: The beer should go in the refrigerator and the cheese doodles on the couch. At one point during my days as a single person, it was hard to tell where the cheese doodles ended and where the couch began.

But after I got married, things changed. I discovered that I shouldn’t leave cheese doodles on the couch. I discovered that it was possible to put things besides beer in the refrigerator. I discovered that an armoire is something you put clothes in and not, as I thought, a piece of French lingerie.

I was confused when my wife said we needed to buy a baker’s rack.

“We’re not bakers,” is what I said.

“You don’t have to be a baker to have a baker’s rack,” my wife said.

“Then why don’t they just call it a rack?” I said.

“You’re a moron,” she said.

My wife says that a lot.

Later, when we went to buy the baker’s rack, I discovered why folks call it a baker’s rack: So they can charge more money for it.

When I saw the baker’s rack my wife wanted to buy, I noticed that it looked just a bit used. My wife informed me that the rack was supposed to look old. “It’s an antique,” she said.

“So basically we’re paying extra for a used baker’s rack that we don’t need because we’re not bakers?” I asked.

“Yes,” my wife said.

“Well, as long as it makes sense,” I said.

A few years later, when my wife said we needed to buy a hall tree, I was confused again.

“You get mad at me when I drag mud into the house, and now you want to put a tree in the house? I don’t get it,” I said.

My wife told me I was a moron.

Turns out that a hall tree is not really a tree that you put in your hall. A hall tree is a piece of furniture that is sort of tall and has arms that allow you to hang things on it. The only problem was that when we first bought the hall tree, my wife said that I was not allowed to hang things on the hall tree.

“Why did we buy it then?” I asked.

“Because it looks nice,” my wife said.

“Our couch looks nice but you let me sit on it,” I said.

“That’s different,” my wife said.

“How?” I said.

“Because it is,” my wife said.

“I see,” I said, even though I didn’t see.

Things have changed in the years since we first purchased the hall tree. My wife has relaxed her no-hanging rule in regards to the hall tree. Today we have so many things hanging on our hall tree that it’s sometimes hard to find it. Our 11-year-old daughter, Emma, has become quite fond of hanging things on the hall tree.

It has gotten to the point now where it’s pretty hard to see the tree for the forest. Ha.

I would suggest that we take some of the stuff off of the hall tree and move it to the baker’s rack, but we can’t do that.

The baker’s rack is full of cheese doodles.

Address correspondence to Mike Pound, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802, or via e-mail at mpound@joplinglobe.com.

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