Mike Pound: This doesn't sound good

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November 21, 2009

Anonymous The Joplin Globe Sat Nov 21, 2009, 08:25 AM CST

I noticed the noise Tuesday night when I pulled off the highway, stopped at the traffic light on Central Avenue in Carthage and then hit the gas again.

I had heard the noise in the past and I knew it was not a good noise. You know, like the sound of a beer can being opened. That’s a good noise.

Well, most of the time it is. I do remember one time when I was a kid and we were visiting my grandmother in Fredonia, Kan., when our dog didn’t think the sound of a beer can being opened was a good thing.

Our dog, Missy, was lying on the floor in the middle of the living room. My dad and four or five of his brothers were all sitting around the living room drinking beer. At one point all the men took a break to reload. When they sat down, they all opened the beer cans at pretty much the same time. Missy jumped 4 feet in the air and, frankly, was never the same again.

But otherwise I think the sound of a beer can being opened is a good noise. The sound coming from the back of my car was not a good noise. It was the sound of a muffler not doing what it is supposed to do, which, I think, is to muffle things.

See, when it comes to my car, I have a pretty simple way of diagnosing trouble. If the noise is coming from the back of my car, I figure something is wrong with the muffler. If the noise is coming from the front of my car, I figure something is wrong with the engine.

Tuesday night, because the noise was coming from the back of my car, I figured something was wrong with the muffler.

The reason I didn’t hear the muffler noise earlier was because the noise only happened when I stepped on the gas. While I was on the highway I was using the cruise control, so the muffler didn’t make the noise.

I didn’t tell my wife I was using the cruise control because it was raining Tuesday night, and my wife thinks it’s unsafe to use the cruise control when the road is wet. I think my wife is crazy, so I always use the cruise control when the road is wet. I just don’t tell my wife I’m using the cruise control.

When we got on the highway Tuesday night, the first thing I did was set the cruise control at 72 mph.

“You’re not using the cruise control?” my wife asked.

“No. Never,” I said.

I know that, technically speaking, telling my wife that I was not using the cruise control right after I had just set the cruise control was a lie. But it was a well-intended lie.

I hate driving on the highway without using cruise control. My wife hates when I use the cruise control on a wet highway. If I told my wife that I was using the cruise control, she would be unhappy with me. If I didn’t use the cruise control, I would be unhappy. Clearly, the only way for both of us to be happy would be for my wife to think that I was not using the cruise control and for me to be able to use the cruise control.

That’s why I lied.

So when my wife and I heard the muffler noise, my wife said that the problem must have just occurred.

“Otherwise we would have heard the noise on the highway,” my wife said.

“You’re right,” I said.

OK, I know that was a lie too. But, as Bill Clinton learned, once you tell a lie to your spouse, you’re better off sticking with it.

Thursday afternoon I took my car to a nice guy in Carthage who fixed the muffler. When I drove out of the muffler shop onto Garrison Street, the car wasn’t making the noise anymore.

When I got home I pulled out a beer and opened it. Then I offered a toast to Missy.

Address correspondence to Mike Pound, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802, or via e-mail at mpound@joplinglobe.com.

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Mike Pound: This doesn't sound good

Joplin City Manager Mark Rohr wants the city to distribute weather radios to all Joplin homes that don’t have one. That’s 11,000 radios. Do you think that’s a good use of $300,440?

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