My wife and our 11-year-old daughter, Emma, went shopping the other day, and when they came back I noticed something different about Emma.
She was wearing glasses.
Now, I’m not exactly plugged into most of the things that go on around our house, but I’m pretty sure I would have heard about Emma needing to wear glasses. The last time we took Emma to the eye doctor, Larry, the doctor, told us that Emma had Ted Williams-like vision, so the fact that she was wearing glasses the other day took me by surprise.
“Hey, nice glasses,” I said.
“You noticed,” Emma said.
“When did you go to the eye doctor?” I asked.
“I didn’t. These are fake. Aren’t they cute?” Emma said.
I didn’t know what to say. See, (no pun intended) I have to wear glasses. I don’t think there is any way possible that glasses can be cute.
I first started wearing glasses in eighth grade. The good thing about having to wear glasses in the eighth grade is that kids at that age are so understanding. They would never tease a fellow classmate just because they had to start wearing glasses.
OK, they would. And they did.
When I was in eighth grade, there was pretty much one style of glasses, and that style was the style of ugly. If you played basketball, as I did, you had to wear an even uglier black strap that hooked onto each side of your glasses and stretched around your head.
I heard one time that the guy who invented that strap made millions. That doesn’t seem fair.
Once, during an eighth-grade basketball game, my black strap flew off my glasses. The referee stopped the game so I could get my strap and put it back on my glasses. But for some reason, I had trouble getting the strap to stay on my glasses.
So the ref, trying to help I guess, took the strap, put it on my glasses and then put my glasses on me. I’ll never forget standing in the middle of that basketball court staring at all the cheerleaders from my class, including the cute and out-of-my-league Janice Pierson, while that ref put my glasses on me.
So, you can see why I would be a little puzzled that Emma chose to wear glasses when she doesn’t need to wear glasses. Emma, on the other lens, can’t understand why I don’t think her glasses are cute.
My wife had to explain to Emma that I am from a different generation. She had to tell Emma that, when I grew up, glasses were not so much a fashion statement, as they were a sign of an affliction.
Emma said she thinks her glasses make her look smart. I told Emma she was already smart.
“But now I look smart,” she said.
“No. You look like someone who has to wear glasses,” I said.
“Whatever,” Emma said.
For those of you who aren’t parents, I need to explain that “whatever” in today’s vernacular (it’s a word, I looked it up) means “this conversation is over.”
So I quit harping about Emma’s glasses. I figured if wearing glasses she doesn’t need makes her happy, then I would be better off keeping my mouth shut.
Well, I would like to say one thing: Janice, if you’re out there, my hands were sweaty from playing basketball. That’s why I couldn’t get the strap back on my glasses.
I swear.
Address correspondence to Mike Pound, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802, or via e-mail at mpound@joplinglobe.com.
