The Joplin Globe, Joplin, MO

Weekend

Related Photos

Discussion

April 9, 2010

Mike Pound: No such thing as marriage expert

When it comes to arguments, all the marriage experts agree that the best thing for married couples to do after having a conflict is to take a breath, then sit down and calmly and rationally discuss the roots of the dispute like reasonable adults.

When it comes to that advice, all veteran married couples agree that marriage experts are morons.

First of all, the mere fact that someone would call themself a marriage “expert” proves that someone has no idea what he or she is talking about. I’m pretty sure if you were to ask a guy celebrating his 70th wedding anniversary if he considered himself a marriage expert, he would probably look at you and say, “WHAT? SPEAK UP!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!”

But then, after you yell your question into the guy’s ear, I’m pretty sure the guy would say, “WHAT ARE YOU, SOME SORT OF MORON? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MARRIAGE IS ABOUT!!! I’M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY WHEN MY WIFE ASKS ME IF HER DRESS MAKES HER LOOK FAT!!!”

By the way, sometimes when someone asks me how long I’ve been married I will say, “I’ve been married for six good years.”

When someone else says, “I thought you got married in 1991,” I’ll say, “I did.” And then everyone laughs.

Well, everyone but my wife and any other wife who happens to be in the room. See, men like saying things like that. They think it’s funny. Women, however, don’t think things like that are funny. Women think it’s rude for men to make jokes about being married. Women would much prefer that men do what they do: Get together when their husbands aren’t around and make merciless fun of them.

How many veteran husbands have ever walked into a room of laughing veteran wives only to have them stop laughing when they see him?

Roomful of Veteran Wives: In his underwear???? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Veteran Husband: What’s so funny?

Roomful of Veteran Wives: (Silence) Nothing,

Veteran Husband: OK. Well, I guess I’ll leave then.

Roomful of Veteran Wives: (After moron husband is gone) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So forget what all the marriage experts say about arguments. I think it’s up to each individual married couple to decide how to resolve those minor conflicts that occasionally flare up in even the finest of marriages.

One way to resolve those minor conflicts is with small gun play. Another way would be for one spouse or the other to move to South Dakota, thereby insuring that the other spouse would never follow.

My wife and I, over the years, have discovered a great way to resolve our conflicts: We stop talking to each other. This method works on a couple of levels. First of all, the best way to avoid further conflicts is to not speak to each other. How many fights between mimes have you seen?

And second of all, by the time my wife and I decide to start speaking to each other again we’ve forgotten what our original conflict was about. Well, I have. My wife always remembers so she can tell all of her veteran wife friends what I did.

“He let the dog eat what? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.”

Address correspondence to Mike Pound, c/o The Joplin Globe, P.O. Box 7, Joplin, MO 64802, or via e-mail at mpound@joplinglobe.com.

Text Only
Weekend
  • images_sizedimage_312124454 Linda Cannon: Fieri book brings TV show to printed page “More Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” by Guy Fieri is a must-read for fans of the Food Network show, and a good bet for anyone who likes middle-brow food. No foie gras here — only lots of burgers, hot dogs, chili and all the usual suspects along with lesser-known treats such as haluski (a Pittsburgh favorite via Poland, featuring cabbage and noodles) and scrapple (basically, cornmeal and pork).

    April 9, 2010 1 Photo

  • Frankie Meyer: Tribal activities important to history When learning of the recent death of the great leader Wilma Mankiller, former principal chief of the Cherokee Nation, I was reminded of the critical importance of tribal activities in the family histories of Native Americans. A history of such families cannot be adequately researched and compiled without a thorough understanding of the history of the Indian nation, its clans and its tribal leaders.

    April 9, 2010

  • Mike Pound Mike Pound: No such thing as marriage expert When it comes to arguments, all the marriage experts agree that the best thing for married couples to do after having a conflict is to take a breath, then sit down and calmly and rationally discuss the roots of the dispute like reasonable adults.

    April 9, 2010 1 Photo

  • images_sizedimage_099200101 Chairmen of the board: Ramp company's employees skate regularly They affectionately call it “Skater Wednesday.” For an hour or two each week, sales team members from the Joplin-based American Ramp Co. will head outdoors, skateboards in hand, with the intentions of blowing off steam. Sometimes they’ll tackle the half-pipe at Schifferdecker Park. Other times, they’ll motor over to Autumn Ramp Park to assault the ramps and bowls, the ledges and the wedges, the hips and the gaps.

    April 9, 2010 1 Photo

  • Church briefs

    April 9, 2010

  • Terry Mattingly: Latest ‘God film’ shows promise of succeeding Hollywood bean counters have started calling them “God films.” The typical faith-based indie has a tiny budget and most of the actors are amateurs or second stringers from television. It doesn’t take much money to promote one because churches are eager to hold pre-release screenings that fire up clergy and volunteers to spread the word — on foot and online.

    April 9, 2010

  • images_sizedimage_099194053 Bridge shares faith, values with teens Dan Mitchell wheeled around from his desk at The Bridge, ready for an interview, with a headline already in mind. “The headline for our ministry in 2009 is we have found ourselves,” Mitchell said, founder and president of a teen-ministry complex that has seen noticeable growth since relocating at 3405 S. Hammons Blvd. four years ago.

    April 9, 2010 1 Photo

  • Library plans events for ReadMOre program Selection for this year is collection of Mark Twain stories.

    April 9, 2010

  • images_sizedimage_141202527 Benji Tunnell: Hasty 3-D addition leaves ‘Clash’ a mess Hollywood unleashed “Clash of the Titans,” a slapdash remake of the mediocre original, hastily and amateurishly converted to 3-D to try to capitalize on the dollars that propelled “Avatar” to such dizzying box office heights. Just as quickly as “Avatar” breathed new life into what could have been a fad, “Titans” does everything that it can to kill any momentum generated and to alienate the public to what is still a fledgling technology.

    April 9, 2010 1 Photo

  • images_sizedimage_099140444 Dave Woods, Booze Beat: Lounge celebrates 40 years in business Judy Petty has lived the better part of her life behind the bar at Frank’s Lounge. At almost 70, she’s poured more beers and mixed more drinks than most of us will ever consume.

    April 9, 2010 1 Photo