I’ve lost track of how many Boston ferns I’ve accidentally suffocated or drowned. Spider mites ate my Norfolk Island pine, and my iron plant simply lost its will to live after three weeks in my family room.
Or maybe it couldn’t take another episode of “Stranger Things.”
But thank goodness, plants can now communicate their needs and feelings. Some high-tech whiz has invented the Lua “smart planter.” Sensors in the flowerpot monitor temperature, moisture and much more and trigger an animated face on the pot’s display screen.
For example, if your weeping ficus is dying for a drink, the face on its flowerpot will have its tongue hanging out. If the ficus is too cold, a mouth with chattering choppers will appear, and when it hankers for more sunshine, a set of vampire fangs will flash. Squinting eyes mean it has too much sunshine.
No more saying, “Gee, I wish this droopy little asparagus fern could talk and tell me why it turned a sickly yellow,” or, “Better stop dropping those leaves, schefflera, before you’re bald.”
These smart pots sound perfect for a brown thumb. No more need to rake the family room to collect the ivy’s dead shed leaves after forgetting to water it for two months. Now the ivy can communicate like other clever household residents. I’m already comfy with a vacuum cleaner that has a mind and mouth of its own.
These smarties are all monitored with an app on your phone, of course.
So even if you’re across town and tied up all day with work, you can check on your rubber tree’s well-being. I’m not sure what you’d do if you saw the rubber tree flash its vampire fangs, except perhaps ask the vacuum cleaner to shove it into the sunlight.
When all is healthy and happy with your house plant, its high-tech planter sports a serene smile. The planter sleeps, then wakes up when it detects motion.
So every time you walk past your philodendron or snake plant, they perk up and roll their eyes your direction.
Stranger things, indeed!
Marti Attoun’s “Booth 186: My Secondhand Career in Vintage Corsets, Moose Heads and Other Moth-Eaten Antiques” is available as an e-book on Amazon.