By Mike Pound

Globe columnist

mpound@joplinglobe.com

I soon will see clearly and my wife will soon be happy.

My wife, to be honest, won’t be happy that I can see clearly. I’m pretty sure my wife doesn’t care whether I can see clearly. She does seem to take an active interest in my hearing though. Whenever my wife walks into a room while I’m watching TV, the first thing she always says is: “Hi, honey. You look so cute watching football and drinking beer.”

Hahahaha! Sometimes I just kill myself.

No, the first thing my wife says when she enters a room while I’m watching TV is: “TURN THAT DOWN. WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?”

To which I always reply: “What?”

The reason I will soon see clearly and the reason my wife will soon be happy is because I am getting new glasses. I decided to get new glasses when I recently discovered I could no longer read things, such as newspapers, cooking instructions, books and traffic signs without binoculars.

Larry, my eye doctor, tells me that there is a reason I’m having trouble reading things that don’t contain type the size of an NFL lineman: I’m old.

“It happens,” is what Larry told me.

The odd thing is, I didn’t used to have trouble reading things. What I had trouble with was seeing things that were far away from me. Things like cars, ocean liners and family members. I had no problems seeing things that were close to me. Things like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and beer.

But now that seems to have reversed. After my eye exam Friday, Larry told me my distance vision has actually improved. Larry told me that at my current rate I will have 20/20 vision in 50 years. So, I’ve got that to look forward to.

On the other hand, my up-close vision has gotten worse, which caused my old eyeglasses and my old eyes to become very confused. So Larry gave me a new prescription and I ordered new glasses to replace the glasses I bought three years ago, and that makes my wife very happy.

See, (ha) my wife hates my current glasses. It is my wife’s opinion that my glasses belong on someone who lives in the 1980s. I told my wife that I picked glasses that look like they belonged to someone who lives in the 1980s because I, at one time, lived in the 1980s. My wife pointed out that this is 2009. I asked my wife what her point was. My wife said never mind. Then she said she wanted to go with me the next time I pick out glasses.

But Friday, when I picked out new glasses, my wife wasn’t with me. Mindful of my wife’s feelings toward my current glasses, I decided to ask Terri, the nice lady who helped me with my new glasses, for some advice.

“My wife hates these glasses,” I said, holding them up for her to see.

“I can see why,” Terri said.

I asked Terri what sort of glasses she thought I should get. Terri was very nice and didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but basically she said I should get something exactly the opposite of my current glasses.

Terri told me that it has been her experience that men aren’t as particular about glasses as women are. Terri told me that men, pretty much, walk up to the frames on display, look at them for a minute or two, grab a pair and sit down. Women, on the other hand, will spend an hour trying on frame after frame. And these are the women who don’t wear glasses.

I think Terri is correct. I think women see glasses as a fashion accessory while men see glasses as a pain in the *^%$.

Glasses get in the way when men want to do macho stuff. Have you ever seen a bullfighter wearing glasses? Has there been a James Bond movie where 007 wore glasses? When Bruce Willis kicked his way back into the office building in the very first “Die Hard” movie, was he wearing glasses?

I think not.

Nope, for men, glasses are not a fashion accessory. They are an evil necessity and one they resist resorting to until reality hits them in the face.

Wife: “If you don’t wear glasses, you won’t be able to see your child’s face.’’

Husband: “I don’t care.’’

Wife: “You won’t be able to see me.’’

Me: “You can tell me what you look like.”

Wife: “You won’t be able to see the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.”

Me: “Ooooh, these frames are cute.”

And if my wife has any comment about my references to the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue, I just have one thing to say to her.

What?

Recommended for you